Having written free verse all my life, I love it but I have just discovered rhythm and rhyme. Here's my revised children's nature poem reworded. Structure is ABCB and iambic tetrameter, I think....or DA dum DA dum DA dum DA dum with the accents-this isn't easy. Actually I did it backwards. It should be da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM which makes it trochaic octometer. Well, it's a work in progress.
PICNIC PESTS-(click here to compare with the original version)
Taking your picnic to the parkon a sunny summer hot day.
You're not there for long before
pesky insects come your way.
Buzzing over the fried chicken
slurping the drinks full of fizz.
You can almost hear the bees say,
Oh, that looks good or maybe this.
You could try to share your foodor perhaps just ignore the pests.
But you'll be happier I'm sure
if you invite them to be YOUR guests.
Swinging at them with a swatter
is hard to do, though kind of fun.
Watch out for you could get stung;
by all means, be ready to run.
Bees make such sweet honey to eat,
is hard to do, though kind of fun.
Watch out for you could get stung;
by all means, be ready to run.
Bees make such sweet honey to eat,
help flowers to bud and to bloom,
fruit to grow so tasty. But please
fruit to grow so tasty. But please
bee care-ful, give them lots of room.
I'm out of my league when you write about writing and particularly poetry. I took two poetry classes after I retired and decided that wasn't my thing. I admire those with that talent. I also admire those who pursue excellence when they know it will not be easy. I am neither.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun poem! Good job.
ReplyDeleteNicely revised, Lin.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was teaching high school kids, they seemed to think every poem they wrote HAD to rhyme. I banned rhyme for awhile, telling the students it's more important to choose just the right words rather than choosing sometimes silly words for the sake of rhyming. It takes a good vocabulary to rhyme well, and most teenagers don't have that vocabulary, although they're developing it.
These are so cute, Lin! I needed something to make me smile today. I've had my head to the grindstone all week and needed to take a break.
ReplyDeleteWow, I was amazed to learn of the style of rhyme. I can barely write a poem, let along making it rhyme. And I do like this version of the original poem. Have a nice week ahead Lin.
ReplyDeleteWhile free verse can be elegant and profound, rhyme and rhythm are just more fun, and especially suitable for poetry for children.
ReplyDeleteNicely done.
Well done, Lin. Awesome.
ReplyDeletethis is good lin. i wish i could go back to those good old days of childhood when i read this .
ReplyDeleteI am always learning more about writing from you..I may have to try this...maybe I can try to capture something in words instead of photos....Michelle
ReplyDeleteI, too, continue to learn from your posts. Keep 'em coming.
ReplyDelete