Thought it might be interesting to see how poems or free verses change and mutuate or develop. Click on link to see my original poem called then Summer Weather written last summer along with photos of the actual event. Here it is revised and submitted to the Mesquite Art Gallery:
Summer Storm by Lin Floyd
Rain falls in the desolate Mohave
A welcome relief to summer’s heat
Cloudbursts release heavy hailstones
Lightning strikes warn of danger ahead
A summer storm comes suddenly
Surprising all caught in its fury
Flash floods unleash nature’s torrents
Sweeping away lonely dirt roads
Temperatures quickly drop and cool
Rain falls in the desolate desert.
Cactus and wildflowers bloom
Unexpected beauty in such a forgotten place
And then a later version after I got a critique and ideas for revision at Utah State Poetry Society's monthly meeting. It became two poems together with a new title.
SUDDEN STORM
Rain falls in the desolate Mohave desert
A welcome relief to summer’s extreme heat
You left so suddenly I didn’t expect that
Cloudbursts release heavy hailstonesLightning strikes warn of danger ahead
Shattering my peaceful secure world
A summer storm arrives suddenlySurprising all caught in its frantic fury
Leaving me with only emptiness and fears
Flash floods unleash nature’s torrentsSweeping away lonely dirt roads
Crushed dreams and broken promises remain
Temperatures quickly drop coolness comes unexpectantly
I turn to prayer and find solace in surrendering
Cactus and wildflowers bloomUnexpected beauty in such a forgotten place
Writing requires lots of hard work, doesn' it? And an ability NOT to fall in love with one's first draft. I had a hard time convincing my students that all good writers revise, revise, revise. Robert Frost's Nothing Gold Can Stay looked like this in an early draft:
ReplyDeleteNature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaves subside to leaves
In autumn she achieves
A still more golden blaze
Nothing golden stays
And his final draft:
Natutre's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.
Quite a difference in meaning, huh?
I like the second level of meaning you added to your final draft.
I liked both permutations. I especially like the blooming at the end of all that chaotic weather. We sure do need chaos.
ReplyDeleteSomething simple has become complex, full of much more imagry and meaning.
ReplyDeleteThat was a very thought provoking change. Very powerful.
ReplyDelete