Sunday, February 21, 2010

Editing or refining


Thought it might be interesting to see how poems or free verses change and mutuate or develop. Click on link to see my original poem called then Summer Weather written last summer along with photos of the actual event. Here it is revised and submitted to the Mesquite Art Gallery:


Summer Storm by Lin Floyd

Rain falls in the desolate Mohave
A welcome relief to summer’s heat
Cloudbursts release heavy hailstones
Lightning strikes warn of danger ahead

A summer storm comes suddenly
Surprising all caught in its fury

Flash floods unleash nature’s torrents
Sweeping away lonely dirt roads
Temperatures quickly drop and cool
Rain falls in the desolate desert.

Cactus and wildflowers bloom
Unexpected beauty in such a forgotten place

And then a later version after I got a critique and ideas for revision at Utah State Poetry Society's monthly meeting. It became two poems together with a new title.

SUDDEN STORM

Rain falls in the desolate Mohave desert
A welcome relief to summer’s extreme heat
You left so suddenly I didn’t expect that
Cloudbursts release heavy hailstones
Lightning strikes warn of danger ahead
Shattering my peaceful secure world
A summer storm arrives suddenly
Surprising all caught in its frantic fury
Leaving me with only emptiness and fears
Flash floods unleash nature’s torrents
Sweeping away lonely dirt roads
Crushed dreams and broken promises remain
Temperatures quickly drop
coolness comes unexpectantly
I turn to prayer and find solace in surrendering
Cactus and wildflowers bloom
Unexpected beauty in such a forgotten place

4 comments:

  1. Writing requires lots of hard work, doesn' it? And an ability NOT to fall in love with one's first draft. I had a hard time convincing my students that all good writers revise, revise, revise. Robert Frost's Nothing Gold Can Stay looked like this in an early draft:

    Nature's first green is gold
    Her hardest hue to hold
    Her early leaf's a flower
    But only so an hour

    Then leaves subside to leaves
    In autumn she achieves
    A still more golden blaze
    Nothing golden stays

    And his final draft:

    Natutre's first green is gold
    Her hardest hue to hold
    Her early leaf's a flower
    But only so an hour

    Then leaf subsides to leaf
    So Eden sank to grief
    So dawn goes down to day
    Nothing gold can stay.

    Quite a difference in meaning, huh?

    I like the second level of meaning you added to your final draft.

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  2. I liked both permutations. I especially like the blooming at the end of all that chaotic weather. We sure do need chaos.

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  3. Something simple has become complex, full of much more imagry and meaning.

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  4. That was a very thought provoking change. Very powerful.

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